People Pleasing - Is It Worth It?
A common theme within my individual therapy sessions lately has been contemplation around whether people-pleasing is worth it or not. A lot of my clients right now are noticing an internal struggle when they place other people’s needs and wants before their own, when they silence themselves for the sake of others, being careful not to “rock the boat”… but there’s no winning. Maybe other people think that they get what they want, but what happens to you, and what happens to your relationships?
Silencing ourselves through people-pleasing behaviour becomes dismissive of ourselves, it diminishes our self-esteem, disconnects us from our sense of self, and builds up mountains of resentment, guilt, and anger. These feelings will spill out everywhere and inevitable cause relationship damage anyways!
People pleasing involves hiding yourself, ignoring your own needs, and being inauthentic in order to gain approval from others. In my opinion, this is never healthy or functional. However, when we are aware of ourselves and our own needs and boundaries, we open capacity to be authentically kind, caring, and give from a functional place of abundance because we want to, not because we think we “should”, “have to”, or to gain approval.
Soooo…. is it really worth it?
Trust me, I get the struggle! Here’s a blog post a wrote several years ago referencing to my own personal journey on this topic that I hope you find useful. Please leave a comment! ❤️
"No matter how much you change, the essence of you is always the same."
- A wise friend said this to me nearly ten years ago as I was going through a lot of personal changes and struggling with experiencing the ways that my relationships with others were changing. At that time, I was questioning myself a lot, and wondering if how I used to be (codependent, people pleaser) was better, and if I should go back to how I was before.
My friend assured me that no matter how much I changed behaviourally – that the essence of who I am was still the same, that I would always be myself no matter what.
The changes that I was making in my life were in light of a new awareness of how self-destructive my codependent behaviour was. As I gained self-awareness and worked through the root causes of my codependent tendencies, I began to live more authentically. I started standing up for myself, assertively sharing my opinion and expressing my feelings; while making decisions that suited my own best interests (after struggling through fear of being SELFISH) and I started setting and maintaining strong boundaries.
Although it was a difficult journey, and still is some days - my realisation that I am still the same person - that the essence of who I am was still the same, continually empowers me to be my authentic self. I was always who I am now, I was just hiding parts of myself before! What I needed was the opportunity to grow into myself, which I am still doing, and will always be continuing to do.
It was at this time that I began to realize that my relationships changing around me as I grew into myself was not actually a reflection of who I was; but instead a reflection of the quality of those relationships or maybe where the other person was at in their own journey - their unwillingness or inability to accept me as I was, was NOT personal.
This realization made me become more comfortable being my true self, despite any relational consequences this might have (being disliked, judged, etc.) and since then I have been able to foster more meaningful relationships with others that are formed from an honest, respectful and nurturing base, whilst honouring my true self and living an empowering authentic life. Even though it can still be challenging and painful to allow the vulnerability that enables this authenticity, there's no turning back for me now, and I don't have any regrets.
Any guesses where my business name came from? It is one of my goals in my practice to support others to connect to their true selves to be able to live more confidently & authentically.
JEN REDDISH IS A COUNSELLOR AND PSYCHOTHERAPIST IN CALGARY, ALBERTA. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN BOOKING A SESSION WITH HER OR ATTENDING ONE OF HER GROUPS OR WORKSHOPS, VISIT THE ESSENCE OF YOU WEBSITE OR CONTACT JEN DIRECTLY.
