This is Good - A Strong, Empowering Home Birth
“This is good” I whispered to myself as each wave came, getting progressively stronger (at last!) I was at 40 weeks and 4 days, and after 8 weeks of prodromal labour, it was finally “it”. (You can read about my prodromal labour here).
Each time that I felt myself start resisting the contractions, I reminded myself that this was GOOD. This was what I wanted. At this point I think I was more excited to have my pregnancy come to an end than I was to meet my baby… although of course I was looking forward to that too!
I listened to “This is Good” by Snowk on repeat for hours. The lyrics helped me to centre myself and move through each wave with willingness instead of resistance. (I’m convinced that this song was written to depict a beautiful dialogue between mom and baby in labour).
“This is good This is Good This is oh so Good
Knew you would knew you would come through
Just like you should
…
See my crown see my crown
Glowin' bright like the sun
Say it proud, say it loud
Love me like I'm number one
…
I never needed no other
I always knew it would be you
Just get lost with me now
Don't you worry bout a thing no no no
Baby just dance with me now
Don't you worry bout it no na no no no no
Said I found myself in love again
What do I do? (ooh)
Don't know you well, who cares baby
Cause' I choose you (choose you)
Don't stop me I just wanna fall through right into your lovin'
This is good this is good this is oh so good
Yeah yeah
Knew you would knew you would come through
Just like you should
I want to go all the way with you
…
take my love all the way (all the way!)”
[Lyrics from “This is Good” by SnowK
To backtrack …. the night before, things had started heating up again. The contractions were strong. I was listening to my birth playlist down in my birthing space that I had prepared, and had everything ready. Birth supply box, snacks, labour-aide, and … lights, candles and flowers to set the vibe that I wanted. My husband came down to my after getting our boys to sleep and he said “Should we call our midwife?” Finally at midnight he inflated the birth pool and I asked our midwife to start making her way over. I sent my husband to bed and moved through the waves in solitude over the next 2 hours. It was so peaceful and I loved having that space to be completely alone. My midwife arrived at 2am and stayed up with me all night. The contractions were continually progressing, but I could still talk through [most] of them.
As the sun started coming up, my midwife started filling the birth pool with water. This really was “it”!!! It was morning and it wasn’t slowing down. Finally, my baby was coming. I was in the pool by the time my kids came downstairs when they woke up that morning, and they were so excited that they’d meet their new baby sibling soon.
But then a couple hours later, the contractions stopped, again. Entirely.
I was DEVASTATED. I didn’t want to get out of the pool. My midwife urged me to get some sleep. She said “Your baby isn’t coming until your kids go to bed tonight. Get some rest.” I reluctantly got out of the birth pool, layed down on the couch and slept off and on throughout the entire day. My midwife got some sleep too and ran some errands. She was convinced my baby wouldn’t come til that night.
One of my friends picked up my oldest son and my husband kept our youngest occupied so that I could sleep. I had a few periods of subtle contractions throughout the day but they started and stopped and didn’t get intense. “Rest and be thankful” I told myself. I loved reading about this stage in one of Sheila Kitzinger’s birth books. My body was doing what it needed to in order to prepare me for birthing my baby. This was GOOD. My husband refilled the birth pool with hot water then went out in the afternoon with our kids (not far away 😉) and I had time to myself again.
Around 4pm, the contractions started again. I wasn’t timing them, but I felt them grow in intensity. I felt like I needed to move my body, so I got up and walked around outside and moved and stretched my body intuitively until I needed more support. I texted my midwife and told her I was getting back into the pool at around 6pm.
My husband and kids got back shortly after that. I asked him to give me space to myself… my kids didn’t want to miss the birth but I knew I couldn’t be distracted. A part of me wanted to include them but I knew I had to be alone and completely focus on myself without sharing my attention with my kids. I had come to this realization the night before when I was labouring and talking with my midwife.
When my midwife came back, she got straight /to work. She moved around preparing what was needed, put counter pressure on my lower back and hips, and squeezed my hands when I asked her to and gave me sips of water, labour-aide, herbal tea, and broth. I had previously asked for her to talk me through the contractions, and that’s exactly what she did. She said so many things that helped me to relax and surrender into the power of each contraction.
My contractions were increasing steadily in intensity and I thought my husband might not make it down in time (he was getting our boys to sleep). My midwife assured me that he would, and she was right. He came back down at 8pm, and immediately stepped in to support me. He got into the birth pool and squeezed my hips and put pressure on my lower back through each wave.
I had my hand down low, waiting to feel my baby’s head. I could feel his body moving down lower and lower and felt my skin stretching. I remember being so conscious of my breath and every single part of my body.
I felt stronger than I’ve ever felt in my life, and knew exactly what I needed to do. My body was in tune with the music, and I sang along to the lyrics of “This is Good” continuously. With each wave, I had my midwife squeeze my hands as tight as she could so that I could completely relax my hands and my body. I had my husband press as hard as he could on my lower back and he was squeezing my hips as hard as he could with his knees. And I had them both repeat my birthing affirmations to me throughout every contraction which helped me to relax my mind and give in to every sensation. I was completely focused on my body and felt more in tune with my body than ever in my life.
I was strong, I was powerful, I was in charge.
Then I felt it, his head was resting against the palm of my hand. I knew that I needed to stop myself from pushing him out in that moment, and consciously let him retreat back into my body. (I had learned that easing the head out like this can help to prevent tearing). The next 3 contractions he came out and back in, a little further out each time until my midwife said “Jen, let him come.”
With the next contraction, my husband says that I “roared our baby out”. I felt his entire head come into my hand and felt so much relief. Next, his arm came out! My husband is deeply regretful that we didn’t get a photo but I wouldn’t let anyone move in that moment. Then the rest of his body came and my husband caught him then passed him through to me as I leaned back into my husbands arms. He was born just after 9pm, as my older children slept peacefully upstairs … just as my midwife had predicted.
“We did it”. I whispered to my husband. He said “No, YOU did it.” But I disagreed. I was extremely fortunate that my husband was open to learning alongside me throughout each of my pregnancies and he completely supported me through every experience in the exact way that I needed. I’ve seen many women feel how I felt but without a supportive partner and without a supportive birth team and it has a HUGE impact.
And I’d just like to point out that my husband didn’t get there on his own, I 100% took the lead on making sure we had open conversations and advocated for him to learn alongside me. He wouldn’t read on his own, but he would read with me (we read out loud to each other most nights and had in depth conversations about birth). My sister played a huge role in this throughout my previous pregnancies and helped to educate both of us on how birth can be without fear mongering & insufficient support. (My sister was an experienced birth worker and had a successful career supporting her clients to have empowering births).
My baby weighed EXACTLY 10 pounds, and my midwife said his placenta was one of the biggest, healthiest placentas she’s seen in her 25 years of midwifery. I was shocked hearing his weight I have been blessed with three beautiful birth experiences but his was the best, and I only tore very slightly “more of a graze” my midwife said. I tore more with my prior to babies who weighed less. There is a big misconception about big babies moving out of our bodies and I feel like it’s important to challenge that narrative. Our bodies are amazing and so capable most of the time.
I needed a lot of persuasion to let the placenta come. I didn’t want to move from my position in the birth pool, but the contractions were extremely painful as my body worked on expelling the placenta and my midwife directed me to stand up to let gravity help move it out. Eventually, I agreed… and the placenta came out all in one (huge) beautiful piece as soon as I moved into a kneeling position.
My birth team helped me to move out of the pool and onto the couch and then later into the bed and I cuddled and nursed my not-so-little, baby through the night after we had taken the time to do a cord burning ceremony with our kids after it had stopped pulsing and had lost its colour.
I felt more powerful and confident than I had ever felt in my life in those final hours and as I birthed him into mine and my husbands hands that night.
It felt like such a long road to get there, but I trust that my body did everything it needed to with all of the prodromal labour to create this perfect birth that really was SO good. I wouldn’t change a single thing.
The choices that made for my birth are not the right choices for everyone, but I hope that in reading this, that some variations of normal within birth have been brought to light, and that someone may be inspired to create an empowering and positive birth experience for themselves, on their own terms. We can’t control every element, but we can advocate for ourselves to create the best possible experience with the control that we do have. I feel like selecting our birth team, getting connected with your body & intuition, and learning about birth to be able to make informed choices are some of the most important aspects of this, regardless of where you choose to give birth.